Let's Talk About Gossip

Several years ago, I found myself facing a real dilemma. Several brethren in the church I was working with at the time confirmed to me that someone was spreading some terrible rumors about me. These brethren knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that what was being said wasn’t true, so that wasn’t really the dilemma. No, the problem came when I tried to figure out who was saying these things so I could go talk to the person. No one would tell me; they didn’t want to be guilty of gossiping.

Gossip is one of the most powerful tools that Satan has in his arsenal. It preys on our natural tendencies to believe “all things” as we are instructed to do by love (1 Corinthians 13:7) and further to believe the first thing that we are told. “The first one to plead his cause seems right,” the Proverbs writer says, “Until his neighbor comes and examines him” (Proverbs 18:17). The problem so often with gossip is that no neighbor ever comes to examine what is told as the proverb teaches; people talk about a person but have absolutely no intention of talking with that person. The nature of gossip is such that believing it drives a wedge between brethren and prevents the unity that Jesus prayed and died for (John 17:20-23; Ephesians 2:16)

The Christians in my story did at least one thing right. Having heard a story about me, they decided to talk to me about it. I know you have to be careful with the word always, but let me use it here: this is always the right thing to do! However, they also did at least two things that were wrong.

The first wrong thing they did was to offer someone an uncritical ear. The word gossip is only rarely found in some of the more commonly used translations of the Bible. The words that are found instead are talebearer(s)/talebearing, whisperer(s)/whisper(s), slanderer(s)/slander, and backbiter(s)/backbiting. If you examine the passages where these words are found, you’ll find different issues being described. In some cases, people are lying; stories are being made up and passed along as though they were true (e.g. Proverbs 10:18). In other cases, confidence is being betrayed as people reveal secrets (e.g. Proverbs 11:13; 20:19). In still other cases, selective information is passed along to create division (e.g. Proverbs 16:28). In all of these cases, things are being said that really should not be said. If these things weren’t said, there would not be a problem; “where there is no talebearer, strife ceases” (Proverbs 26:20). The fact is though that it takes two to communicate, and Proverbs calls us to recognize that too often we love to be on the receiving end of gossip (Proverbs 18:8; 26:22).

So, what exactly is an uncritical ear? Well, a critical ear is an ear which follows God’s instruction to test all communication (1 Thessalonians 5:21) and leads a Christian to offer measured, grace-filled responses to what he/she hears (Colossians 4:6). I’m certain that the brethren in my story above defended my character when it was attacked; however, that doesn’t mean that their ear was critical. A Christian has to evaluate communication on several levels by asking questions such as the following:

• Should anyone be hearing this? Some communication, such as speculation on an individual’s heart or motives or something that was shared with us in confidence, should not be uttered at all. Paul talked about people “whose mouths must be stopped” (Titus 1:11); while he was talking about false teaching, it really is best for some other kinds of communication to be totally stopped too.
• Should I be hearing this? Some situations might demand discussion about a person before discussion with a person. The Bible affirms that there is safety in “the multitude of counselors” (Proverbs 11:14; 24:6); it’s hard to see why this truth would not apply in relational settings, particularly when there is conflict. However, a wise Christian needs to know when a situation is simply out of his or her depth or when it should involve others first. Further, if a Christian craves to know more than he/she craves to help, then he/she may turn even a legitimate appeal for counsel into something unproductive or even sinful. The principle contained in James 4:17 might apply in such situations.
• Where is this going? Some sins of the tongue are wrong from the beginning: slander is comprised of lies; whispers are comprised of speculation. However, some sins of the tongue are born out of intention. Talebearing and backbiting aren’t always wrong because of what is being said; sometimes, they are wrong because there is never an aim for the “tale” to be borne back to its source or for what’s said behind the back of a person to be said in front of a person. In short, again, while it may be right to talk about a problem involving another person with others, if there is no intention to talk to that person, what is being said simply should not be. Tact may occasionally call for a conversation to be had later rather than sooner, but Satan has a powerful way of turning later into never.

This leads me to the second thing that the Christians in my story did wrong. As I said, it was good for them to tell me that someone was talking about me behind my back. However, they were actually doing the cause of Christ a disservice by 1) not allowing me the opportunity to answer my accuser (cf. 1 Corinthians 9:3) or seek reconciliation with someone who clearly had something against me (Matthew 5:23-26); 2) not working to form a bridge between me and the other person as a peacemaker (Matthew 5:9); 3) not working to bring to repentance someone who was guilty of sinful communication (Galatians 6:1). Some Christians fear gossip so much that they try to play the role of Pontius Pilate, who thought he could merely wash his hands of guilt concerning Christ’s crucifixion (Matthew 27:24). Peter later affirmed that the “rulers” including Pilate were indeed guilty of Jesus’ death (Acts 3:13-17), and some Christians likewise take on the guilt of others by ignoring Jesus’ commands concerning brethren in sin (Matthew 18:15-20).

But what about these Christians’ fears about gossiping? There’s a truth that I’ve alluded to above that really needs to be considered here. Have you ever noticed that while the Bible highlights sins of the tongue, that in most cases it does not provide a clear definition of what these sins are or describe when they have or haven’t been committed? This is again because while some sins of the tongue relate to content, other sins of the tongue relate to intention. In some cases regarding sins of the tongue, just like false teachers, “you will know them by their fruits (Matthew 7:16).

Let me be very clear. 1) It is not automatically gossiping when I go to a trusted Christian friend, elder, or counselor and talk about a problem I am having with another brother or sister or even about a problem that I know a brother or sister has. Discretion may sometimes lead me to hide a name, but sometimes, who a person is matters. Knowing who a person is may be vital for someone to offer truly relevant advice concerning that person or for someone to participate in praying for or in some other way helping that person. 2) It is not automatically gossiping to share with someone the identity of someone else who has been talking about him/her. Tact may lead us to encourage someone who is talking about someone else to go that person directly and may even lead us to grant time for him/her to do so, but there comes a time when the right thing to do is to bring the matter to light so that a resolution can be reached. Intention matters!

Some of the best advice I’ve ever heard concerning communication is to pass anything we say through the filter contained in the acronym THINK, asking: 1) Is it true? 2) Is it helpful? 3) Is it inspiring? 4) Is it necessary? 5) Is it kind? This filter can be applied to what we say, to what we allow ourselves to hear, and to how we respond to what we hear. Just think of how much gossip, slander, whispering, talebearing, and backbiting would cease if only people would think!

-Patrick Swayne  
patrick@tftw.org