Don't Skip That Part: Jesus' Teaching on Conflict and Resolution
In the movie The Princess Bride, there is a scene in which the villain, Prince Humperdinck, is attempting to marry a young maiden named Buttercup against her wishes. Fearing that his sham of a wedding ceremony is at risk of being halted due to some commotion outside of the castle where the ceremony is being held, Humperdinck tells the officiant, “Skip to the end.” When things are still moving too slowly for his liking, he tells the officiant, “Man and wife. Say, ‘Man and wife.’” The confused clergyman says, “Man and wife,” and Buttercup is rushed away.
Later, when Buttercup’s true love, Westley, appears to rescue her, Buttercup laments, “Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me?” explaining, “I got married. I didn’t want to. It all happened so fast.” Confidently, Westley told her that it never happened. He asks, “Did you say, ‘I do’?” Buttercup responds, “Well, no, we sort of skipped that part.”
It’s pretty widely acknowledged that certain things simply cannot be done unless… well, they are. A person can’t simply declare himself to be married, nor can even a qualified marriage celebrant simply declare two people to be married apart from their wishes. A successful marriage involves three things in agreement: human intention (i.e., of a man and a woman to marry each other), God’s will (i.e., God’s word identifying two people as able to be married, and God’s action in joining them together), and obedience to societal laws or customs (i.e., being subject to the governing authorities and their rules about marriage, which God calls us to do – Romans 13:1-2). None of that can be “skipped.”
When we come to difficult instructions in the Bible, it becomes very easy to… sort of skip that part. Some of the greater temptations to do so surround Jesus’ instructions regarding conflict inside God’s family, “the church.” Jesus says,
As we reflect on this teaching, we see several things that we must not skip.
First, don’t skip to the end. It is becoming very common in today’s world to hear people promote setting boundaries for yourself, pursuing self-care, and protecting yourself in moments of intrapersonal conflict. There is definitely some wisdom to these things; after all, the Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 19:19; 22:39; Mark 12:31; Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8). It’s hard to love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself to some degree! At the same time, Timothy was warned that “perilous times will come” when “men will be lovers of themselves” (2 Timothy 3:1-2). It is reasonable to protect yourself from imminent danger. It is unreasonable though to use self-care as an excuse to skip all of Jesus’ instructions until you reach one that you like such as, “Let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). Jesus did not die on the cross so His followers could build walls between one another; in fact, He died to break down walls of separation (cf. Ephesians 2:14).
Second, don’t skip the word “sins” (Matthew 18:15). Sometimes in intrapersonal conflict, people confuse the word “offense” in the Bible with the idea of being offended. Offense in the context (Matthew 18:7) is not talking about when somebody does something I don’t like or even something that produces a negative emotion in me. Instead, it’s talking about when someone does something sinful against me or to lead me into sin, as per the previous verse, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin” (Matthew 18:6). Likewise, the word Jesus uses in our text is “sins.” Sin is defined in Scripture as lawlessness (1 John 3:4), pointing to the reality that God’s law defines what is or is not sin. When we feel offended, we need to pause to make sure that it is God’s standard and not ours that has been broken. These two standards are simply not the same (Isaiah 55:8). In the case of something that is only an offense against my personal standard, while it may be wise to follow Jesus’ next step (“go and tell him his fault between you and him alone”), the rest of the text does not apply.
Third, don’t skip the first step that involves another person: “go and tell him his fault” (Matthew 18:15). Have you ever been totally unaware of something that was very obvious to others? I think any honest person would admit he or she has. Even though we might be aware of this about ourselves, sometimes we fail to see how that same thing might apply to others. “He ought to know better,” we might think, or, “She should know how this affects me.” We need to operate under two assumptions in order to follow the example of love, which “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). First, we need to ascribe the best possible motives to the behavior of our brothers and sisters until their repeated, unrepentant, sinful behavior keeps us from doing so. Second, we need to believe that given the opportunity, our brothers and sisters in Christ will make their wrongs right if they are given the chance.
Fourth, don’t skip the word “alone” (Matthew 18:15). Our natural tendency when we are hurt due to the behavior of someone else is to find someone to agree with us about what has happened. Unfortunately, another natural tendency really hurts us here: the tendency to believe the first one who speaks to us about any conflict (Proverbs 18:17). Talking to another person first is typically counterproductive. First, it reinforces the negative feelings the behavior has stirred up as we relive the event through retelling. Second, because the person we are talking to is likely to agree with us, it reinforces our feelings of superiority and indignation, removing the “spirit of meekness” Paul encourages us to put on in our approach (Galatians 6:1). Third, rather than cover sins as love does (Proverbs 10:12; 1 Peter 4:8), it expands the impact and influence of sins.
As a side note, Christians sometimes struggle with what to do when someone has skipped this important part and has come to them wanting to talk about a problem with another person. What should a Christian do when this happens? For starters, don’t be afraid to refuse to hear something. It may seem unfriendly and unloving to turn away someone who has come to you wanting to talk, but it is actually more unfriendly and unloving to facilitate sinful behavior. Someone sinned against can actually become a sinner by ignoring Jesus’ command in Matthew 18:15 and choosing instead to become a talebearer or a gossip, which is frequently condemned in Scripture. Asking simple questions like these will help you determine a person’s motives and intentions: 1) Have you talked to this person? 2) When are you planning to do so? 3) Why did you come to me first?
If a person genuinely seems interested in obeying Matthew 18:15 and simply needs advice or help in doing so, recognize that taking an advisory role creates several obligations. First, because you cannot simply trust the first thing you hear and because some matters are not as black and white as a hurting person might believe them to be, you owe it to the supposed offender to eventually hear his or her story. It is foolish to draw conclusions before you have truly heard a situation out (Proverbs 18:13), and you simply have not heard a situation out when you have only heard one side. Second, though a person might not have sinned against you, if he or she really has sinned against God, you need to be a part of the effort to “restore such a one” (Galatians 6:1). Third, while it is best if the one who is directly sinned against leads in any restoration effort (this is what Jesus says!), if he or she refuses to do so, it does not free you from your obligation to talk to someone in sin and seek his or her repentance. Strangely, sometimes people who are told something negative about a fellow Christian see any continued involvement in the matter as gossip, when in fact involvement is what is required of any true peacemaker.
Fifth, don’t skip the goal in all of this: “If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). Note carefully, the aim of confrontation after we have been sinned against is not: 1) to get restitution for perceived or real loss, 2) to get a satisfactory apology, 3) to be vindicated or proven right, or anything like this. Jesus wants us to be focused on one thing: gaining our brother back. If sin has driven our brother towards Satan and driven a wedge between the two of us, restoring that brother and removing that wedge should be the only thing that we are interested in. We should try our best to remember the father in Jesus’ parable about the prodigal son who was more interested in his son’s return than in his confession (Luke 15:11-32). It is very appropriate for someone who truly repents to apologize and make restitution where possible (2 Corinthians 7:10-11), but we should be more interested in a soul than we are in our own satisfaction. As the very next parable Jesus tells in Matthew 18 demonstrates, we should be ready to offer full forgiveness to our brother, remembering the forgiveness that we have received from our God (Matthew 18:21-35).
Sixth, don’t skip the part involving two or three witnesses: “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’” (Matthew 18:16). “Witness” here does not refer to people who testify to the brother or sister’s sin (since they would be expected to carry out the first step themselves). Instead, it refers to impartial witnesses who can establish “every word” between you and the one with whom you are in conflict (Matthew 18:16). Like the situation envisioned in 1 Corinthians 6, each witness should be “a wise man among you” who is able “to judge between his brethren” (1 Corinthians 6:5). Jesus assumes in the text that a brother or sister really has sinned, but a possible outcome of bringing impartial witnesses is that they may 1) determine the conflict is not over a matter of sin but of opinion or personal standards, 2) determine that both of you bear fault in the matter at hand, or 3) determine that you alone are actually the one who has sinned and the person you are accusing is innocent. It is incredibly important to obey Peter’s command in this step of the process, “Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility” (1 Peter 5:5).
Connected to this point, it is important for those called as witnesses not to skip what is expected of them: “if he refuses to hear them” (Matthew 18:17). It is impossible to hear someone who is silent. Further, the word translated “witness” is connected to the verb frequently translated in the New Testament as “testify.” Therefore by definition as well as according to Jesus’ words, witnesses are not supposed to keep silent. No matter which of the four outcomes discussed above is discovered through the mediatory process Jesus envisions (i.e., 1) there is no sin, 2) the accused brother/sister is in sin, 3) both the offender and offended are in sin, or 4) the one claiming to be offended is in sin), the witnesses are called by Jesus to speak, to join the chorus seeking restoration and unity.
Seventh, don’t skip the instructions related to the church: “And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church” (Matthew 18:17). Once an offended person and two or three impartial witnesses have been unable to encourage someone to repent, Jesus envisions 1) the whole church being told and 2) the whole church speaking to the brother or sister in sin. This rarely followed step is described as a last-ditch effort to try to win back the person who has sinned. It is not standing against the person; it is standing with God and all the angels, who long for the person’s repentance and restoration.
Eighth, don’t skip the final instructions, but also don’t skip why the rest of the Bible says they are there. Only at the very end of this process which now involves the whole church does Jesus say concerning the unrepentant sinner, “let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). Heathens (“gentile” – ESV, NASB) and tax collectors were people on the fringe of the Jewish world with whom most Jewish people did not regularly associate. Peter explains typical Jewish behavior towards these individuals when he tells Cornelius, “You know how unlawful it is for a Jewish man to keep company with or go to one of another nation” (Acts 10:28).
Is the goal though simply to cut these people off and be through with them? Other passages which speak about this subject help us to understand what Jesus is commanding here and why:
When these passages are considered alongside of Jesus’ words, a very different goal appears. The goal is not to cut off or be through with a person, but 1) to acknowledge across the entire church that a person is in sin and therefore in real spiritual danger; 2) to cut off normal, friendly, brotherly relations to send a clear message to the sinner regarding this spiritual danger; 3) to encourage all contact with the sinner to work exclusively towards repentance and restoration; 4) to protect the church from the leavening influence of sinful behavior. Some people claim such a process would only drive a person further away, but the one example of this process being carried out in Scripture at the church at Corinth resulted in repentance (2 Corinthians 2:5-11).
Jesus words as well as the many other passages which support them represent some of the most ignored words in all of the Bible. But can we – should we – just skip this part of Jesus’ will for our lives? As Christians, we know that Jesus’ words “will judge [us] in the last day” (John 12:48). Matthew 18:15-17 records Jesus’ words. Let’s make sure we don’t have to give an answer one day regarding why these words were never followed in our local congregation of His church. If we skip Jesus’ words about forgiving others, He will one day say regarding our own forgiveness, “It never happened” (cf. Matthew 6:12, 14-15; 18:35; Mark 11:25-26; Luke 6:37; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13).
Later, when Buttercup’s true love, Westley, appears to rescue her, Buttercup laments, “Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me?” explaining, “I got married. I didn’t want to. It all happened so fast.” Confidently, Westley told her that it never happened. He asks, “Did you say, ‘I do’?” Buttercup responds, “Well, no, we sort of skipped that part.”
It’s pretty widely acknowledged that certain things simply cannot be done unless… well, they are. A person can’t simply declare himself to be married, nor can even a qualified marriage celebrant simply declare two people to be married apart from their wishes. A successful marriage involves three things in agreement: human intention (i.e., of a man and a woman to marry each other), God’s will (i.e., God’s word identifying two people as able to be married, and God’s action in joining them together), and obedience to societal laws or customs (i.e., being subject to the governing authorities and their rules about marriage, which God calls us to do – Romans 13:1-2). None of that can be “skipped.”
When we come to difficult instructions in the Bible, it becomes very easy to… sort of skip that part. Some of the greater temptations to do so surround Jesus’ instructions regarding conflict inside God’s family, “the church.” Jesus says,
Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector (Matthew 18:15-17).
As we reflect on this teaching, we see several things that we must not skip.
First, don’t skip to the end. It is becoming very common in today’s world to hear people promote setting boundaries for yourself, pursuing self-care, and protecting yourself in moments of intrapersonal conflict. There is definitely some wisdom to these things; after all, the Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Leviticus 19:18; Matthew 19:19; 22:39; Mark 12:31; Romans 13:9; Galatians 5:14; James 2:8). It’s hard to love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself to some degree! At the same time, Timothy was warned that “perilous times will come” when “men will be lovers of themselves” (2 Timothy 3:1-2). It is reasonable to protect yourself from imminent danger. It is unreasonable though to use self-care as an excuse to skip all of Jesus’ instructions until you reach one that you like such as, “Let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). Jesus did not die on the cross so His followers could build walls between one another; in fact, He died to break down walls of separation (cf. Ephesians 2:14).
Second, don’t skip the word “sins” (Matthew 18:15). Sometimes in intrapersonal conflict, people confuse the word “offense” in the Bible with the idea of being offended. Offense in the context (Matthew 18:7) is not talking about when somebody does something I don’t like or even something that produces a negative emotion in me. Instead, it’s talking about when someone does something sinful against me or to lead me into sin, as per the previous verse, “Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin” (Matthew 18:6). Likewise, the word Jesus uses in our text is “sins.” Sin is defined in Scripture as lawlessness (1 John 3:4), pointing to the reality that God’s law defines what is or is not sin. When we feel offended, we need to pause to make sure that it is God’s standard and not ours that has been broken. These two standards are simply not the same (Isaiah 55:8). In the case of something that is only an offense against my personal standard, while it may be wise to follow Jesus’ next step (“go and tell him his fault between you and him alone”), the rest of the text does not apply.
Third, don’t skip the first step that involves another person: “go and tell him his fault” (Matthew 18:15). Have you ever been totally unaware of something that was very obvious to others? I think any honest person would admit he or she has. Even though we might be aware of this about ourselves, sometimes we fail to see how that same thing might apply to others. “He ought to know better,” we might think, or, “She should know how this affects me.” We need to operate under two assumptions in order to follow the example of love, which “bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). First, we need to ascribe the best possible motives to the behavior of our brothers and sisters until their repeated, unrepentant, sinful behavior keeps us from doing so. Second, we need to believe that given the opportunity, our brothers and sisters in Christ will make their wrongs right if they are given the chance.
Fourth, don’t skip the word “alone” (Matthew 18:15). Our natural tendency when we are hurt due to the behavior of someone else is to find someone to agree with us about what has happened. Unfortunately, another natural tendency really hurts us here: the tendency to believe the first one who speaks to us about any conflict (Proverbs 18:17). Talking to another person first is typically counterproductive. First, it reinforces the negative feelings the behavior has stirred up as we relive the event through retelling. Second, because the person we are talking to is likely to agree with us, it reinforces our feelings of superiority and indignation, removing the “spirit of meekness” Paul encourages us to put on in our approach (Galatians 6:1). Third, rather than cover sins as love does (Proverbs 10:12; 1 Peter 4:8), it expands the impact and influence of sins.
As a side note, Christians sometimes struggle with what to do when someone has skipped this important part and has come to them wanting to talk about a problem with another person. What should a Christian do when this happens? For starters, don’t be afraid to refuse to hear something. It may seem unfriendly and unloving to turn away someone who has come to you wanting to talk, but it is actually more unfriendly and unloving to facilitate sinful behavior. Someone sinned against can actually become a sinner by ignoring Jesus’ command in Matthew 18:15 and choosing instead to become a talebearer or a gossip, which is frequently condemned in Scripture. Asking simple questions like these will help you determine a person’s motives and intentions: 1) Have you talked to this person? 2) When are you planning to do so? 3) Why did you come to me first?
If a person genuinely seems interested in obeying Matthew 18:15 and simply needs advice or help in doing so, recognize that taking an advisory role creates several obligations. First, because you cannot simply trust the first thing you hear and because some matters are not as black and white as a hurting person might believe them to be, you owe it to the supposed offender to eventually hear his or her story. It is foolish to draw conclusions before you have truly heard a situation out (Proverbs 18:13), and you simply have not heard a situation out when you have only heard one side. Second, though a person might not have sinned against you, if he or she really has sinned against God, you need to be a part of the effort to “restore such a one” (Galatians 6:1). Third, while it is best if the one who is directly sinned against leads in any restoration effort (this is what Jesus says!), if he or she refuses to do so, it does not free you from your obligation to talk to someone in sin and seek his or her repentance. Strangely, sometimes people who are told something negative about a fellow Christian see any continued involvement in the matter as gossip, when in fact involvement is what is required of any true peacemaker.
Fifth, don’t skip the goal in all of this: “If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15). Note carefully, the aim of confrontation after we have been sinned against is not: 1) to get restitution for perceived or real loss, 2) to get a satisfactory apology, 3) to be vindicated or proven right, or anything like this. Jesus wants us to be focused on one thing: gaining our brother back. If sin has driven our brother towards Satan and driven a wedge between the two of us, restoring that brother and removing that wedge should be the only thing that we are interested in. We should try our best to remember the father in Jesus’ parable about the prodigal son who was more interested in his son’s return than in his confession (Luke 15:11-32). It is very appropriate for someone who truly repents to apologize and make restitution where possible (2 Corinthians 7:10-11), but we should be more interested in a soul than we are in our own satisfaction. As the very next parable Jesus tells in Matthew 18 demonstrates, we should be ready to offer full forgiveness to our brother, remembering the forgiveness that we have received from our God (Matthew 18:21-35).
Sixth, don’t skip the part involving two or three witnesses: “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'By the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’” (Matthew 18:16). “Witness” here does not refer to people who testify to the brother or sister’s sin (since they would be expected to carry out the first step themselves). Instead, it refers to impartial witnesses who can establish “every word” between you and the one with whom you are in conflict (Matthew 18:16). Like the situation envisioned in 1 Corinthians 6, each witness should be “a wise man among you” who is able “to judge between his brethren” (1 Corinthians 6:5). Jesus assumes in the text that a brother or sister really has sinned, but a possible outcome of bringing impartial witnesses is that they may 1) determine the conflict is not over a matter of sin but of opinion or personal standards, 2) determine that both of you bear fault in the matter at hand, or 3) determine that you alone are actually the one who has sinned and the person you are accusing is innocent. It is incredibly important to obey Peter’s command in this step of the process, “Yes, all of you be submissive to one another, and be clothed with humility” (1 Peter 5:5).
Connected to this point, it is important for those called as witnesses not to skip what is expected of them: “if he refuses to hear them” (Matthew 18:17). It is impossible to hear someone who is silent. Further, the word translated “witness” is connected to the verb frequently translated in the New Testament as “testify.” Therefore by definition as well as according to Jesus’ words, witnesses are not supposed to keep silent. No matter which of the four outcomes discussed above is discovered through the mediatory process Jesus envisions (i.e., 1) there is no sin, 2) the accused brother/sister is in sin, 3) both the offender and offended are in sin, or 4) the one claiming to be offended is in sin), the witnesses are called by Jesus to speak, to join the chorus seeking restoration and unity.
Seventh, don’t skip the instructions related to the church: “And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church” (Matthew 18:17). Once an offended person and two or three impartial witnesses have been unable to encourage someone to repent, Jesus envisions 1) the whole church being told and 2) the whole church speaking to the brother or sister in sin. This rarely followed step is described as a last-ditch effort to try to win back the person who has sinned. It is not standing against the person; it is standing with God and all the angels, who long for the person’s repentance and restoration.
Eighth, don’t skip the final instructions, but also don’t skip why the rest of the Bible says they are there. Only at the very end of this process which now involves the whole church does Jesus say concerning the unrepentant sinner, “let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). Heathens (“gentile” – ESV, NASB) and tax collectors were people on the fringe of the Jewish world with whom most Jewish people did not regularly associate. Peter explains typical Jewish behavior towards these individuals when he tells Cornelius, “You know how unlawful it is for a Jewish man to keep company with or go to one of another nation” (Acts 10:28).
Is the goal though simply to cut these people off and be through with them? Other passages which speak about this subject help us to understand what Jesus is commanding here and why:
- “Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them” (Romans 16:17).
- “In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. Your glorying is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump? Therefore purge out the old leaven, that you may be a new lump, since you truly are unleavened. For indeed Christ, our Passover, was sacrificed for us. Therefore let us keep the feast, not with old leaven, nor with the leaven of malice and wickedness, but with the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth. ” (1 Corinthians 5:4-8).
- “But now I have written to you not to keep company with anyone named a brother, who is sexually immoral, or covetous, or an idolater, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or an extortioner—not even to eat with such a person” (1 Corinthians 5:11).
- “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted” (Galatians 6:1).
- “And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother” (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
- “Reject a divisive man after the first and second admonition, knowing that such a person is warped and sinning, being self-condemned” (Titus 3:10-11).
- “Brethren, if anyone among you wanders from the truth, and someone turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins” (James 5:19-20).
When these passages are considered alongside of Jesus’ words, a very different goal appears. The goal is not to cut off or be through with a person, but 1) to acknowledge across the entire church that a person is in sin and therefore in real spiritual danger; 2) to cut off normal, friendly, brotherly relations to send a clear message to the sinner regarding this spiritual danger; 3) to encourage all contact with the sinner to work exclusively towards repentance and restoration; 4) to protect the church from the leavening influence of sinful behavior. Some people claim such a process would only drive a person further away, but the one example of this process being carried out in Scripture at the church at Corinth resulted in repentance (2 Corinthians 2:5-11).
Jesus words as well as the many other passages which support them represent some of the most ignored words in all of the Bible. But can we – should we – just skip this part of Jesus’ will for our lives? As Christians, we know that Jesus’ words “will judge [us] in the last day” (John 12:48). Matthew 18:15-17 records Jesus’ words. Let’s make sure we don’t have to give an answer one day regarding why these words were never followed in our local congregation of His church. If we skip Jesus’ words about forgiving others, He will one day say regarding our own forgiveness, “It never happened” (cf. Matthew 6:12, 14-15; 18:35; Mark 11:25-26; Luke 6:37; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13).
-Patrick Swayne
patrick@tftw.org
patrick@tftw.org
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